It's been awhile since I have been on here. Oops.
I have recently discovered that I trust people way too much. I open up thinking other's intentions are as honest as mine. I forget what world we live in. It's not the happy go lucky place that I reside in. I've tried to make a valiant effort in trusting no one until given a reason to trust but it's a hard task. It's weird trying to change a way you've been forever. It is also the reason I get screwed so frequently.
My mom sent me an email today (yeah it was one of those chain ones) but it really hit home. It talked about how everyone comes into our lives for a reason...whether they hurt us or not, their impact is meant to happen. It could be to make us stronger, show us a new way of thinking, or to change our course. It's interesting to think that those who have been in my life and tried to destroy it were there because it was supposed to happen that way. I wasn't destroyed, just changed. My path got a little bumpier but it's clearing out.
Then there's the whole forgive and forget concept. I struggle with this. I know how to forgive, Lord knows I've forgiven people who don't deserve it, but I'm not sure I know how to forget. If it's a life changing event then it's hard to forget what a person did. They've altered you and changed the path.
On the other hand, if you do forgive and forget it can't go back to how it used to be. Nothing is ever the same. You can try but its worthless. It will just grow in a different direction. Maybe that's not such a bad thing since there was obviously something wrong the first go round.
So forgive and forget but don't trust anyone until given a reason. Is it at all possible?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Alice
I am extremely enveloped in the concept of dreams at the moment...hince two dream posts in one day.
I bought my Halloween costume. I opted for an Alice, granted its not as proper as what Alice wore in Wonderland but nonetheless I will be one of my favorite characters (and as it was pointed out to me I also don't have blonde flowing hair). When I got home I opened up my Alice in Wonderland novel and started reading it for the umpteenth time. I think I learn something new each time I read it.
Alice was an actual person in Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson) life. He was in love with her. In today's time he'd be called a pedophile but back then he was just odd. Anywho, the novel can be read in several different takes. There is the sexual route, the drug route, the growing into adult hood route, or the just plain funky dream route.
Alice Liddell would hang out with Lewis and listen to his fabulous stories with her sisters. The symbolism is amazing.
Anyway in her dream Alice is confused. She makes choices and she often suffers the consequences. Much like we do in our everyday life. But what I'm getting at is how do we differentiate between reality and dream? Alice couldn't. The Mad Hatter and Chesire Cat were real. The most important line in the whole novel is when the caterpillar asks Alice Who are you and even though she responds he keeps asking. Maybe in reality we have a concept of who we are but in dreams we don't really understand who we are.
After reading this blog I realize how little sense it makes. I'm posting it anyway because I can't delete things I write. I can always come back later and flesh it out and give it legs.
I bought my Halloween costume. I opted for an Alice, granted its not as proper as what Alice wore in Wonderland but nonetheless I will be one of my favorite characters (and as it was pointed out to me I also don't have blonde flowing hair). When I got home I opened up my Alice in Wonderland novel and started reading it for the umpteenth time. I think I learn something new each time I read it.
Alice was an actual person in Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson) life. He was in love with her. In today's time he'd be called a pedophile but back then he was just odd. Anywho, the novel can be read in several different takes. There is the sexual route, the drug route, the growing into adult hood route, or the just plain funky dream route.
Alice Liddell would hang out with Lewis and listen to his fabulous stories with her sisters. The symbolism is amazing.
Anyway in her dream Alice is confused. She makes choices and she often suffers the consequences. Much like we do in our everyday life. But what I'm getting at is how do we differentiate between reality and dream? Alice couldn't. The Mad Hatter and Chesire Cat were real. The most important line in the whole novel is when the caterpillar asks Alice Who are you and even though she responds he keeps asking. Maybe in reality we have a concept of who we are but in dreams we don't really understand who we are.
After reading this blog I realize how little sense it makes. I'm posting it anyway because I can't delete things I write. I can always come back later and flesh it out and give it legs.
Clearly
I often wonder why certain things happen in life. I know that all of this is for the greater plan but i can't help but think "interesting" just about every time something new or bad happens. In a previous blog I wrote about how this is all just a dream, nothing is real. But on the other hand if this is in fact a dream and I am in control of the dream (lucid dreaming), then why do I keep letting bad things happen. BUT then I think well this is a dream and I don't have any control rather some machine does. In the course of my dream this year I've lost 2 very dear friends (not by any tragic means, rather our paths drifted in opposite directions), I've become a mother, and minus how happy my son makes me I'm pretty much as miserable as I was before (unless of course you count this week when I lost my best friend to a girlfriend--long drama filled story).
So then I wonder why do I seem to be a magnet to the drama. One of my friends is a gay magnet or sometimes its the crazies. What do we do to draw the negative energy (being a gay magnet isn't negative I'm referring to the crazies and drama). Maybe it's karma, which after recent events I am a firm believer.
I guess what I'm asking for is if there really is true happiness? I experience a happiness and love with my son but I'm talking about true life happiness. Or are there just some people who get crapped on all the time? Maybe we are the ones who feel the guilt and awfulness because some people never do. OR maybe we are sacrificed for the greater good of mankind? (i like the last option only because then that means all the pain and heartache is for a reason).
With that being said, pessimism is eating at me.
So then I wonder why do I seem to be a magnet to the drama. One of my friends is a gay magnet or sometimes its the crazies. What do we do to draw the negative energy (being a gay magnet isn't negative I'm referring to the crazies and drama). Maybe it's karma, which after recent events I am a firm believer.
I guess what I'm asking for is if there really is true happiness? I experience a happiness and love with my son but I'm talking about true life happiness. Or are there just some people who get crapped on all the time? Maybe we are the ones who feel the guilt and awfulness because some people never do. OR maybe we are sacrificed for the greater good of mankind? (i like the last option only because then that means all the pain and heartache is for a reason).
With that being said, pessimism is eating at me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Empty empty empty
I decided since I have the worst case of writer's block I would write about it. Writing about writer's block...oh the irony.
I've had this wicked case for about a year now. I haven't produced a single piece worthy of sharing nor have I even been able to make myself sit and write. WHY!?!?!? I have several ideas but no answers. I want it fixed. Maybe it's because the society we live in makes us want instant gratification...random?? I miss being able to sit, drink coffee, smoke a cigarette and BAM I had an idea. Now I sit and try to write and I can't catch a single idea that is whirling around. I have plenty of ideas but no words to express them. If that makes any sense. Hell I even have titles for things but no freaking content!! So here are my theories...let me know what you think or if you have any way of battling this block.
My first theory is related to motherhood. Maybe since I have become a mom my brain has transformed. It happens...seriously! What if all mom's go through this transition after having a child where they can no longer feel intelligent enough to write. Ok I will debunk this one because seriously there are WAYYY to many successful women writers who have kids...ex/ JK Rowling.
Ok second theory. I have completely lost the one talent I had. Karma is laughing at me for all the times I ripped reporters I work with for being so stupid and not writing well. Or I just lost it and it's gone. So what do I do now? I have an unfinished book and a ton of short stories/poems/rants. Do I just toss them and say oh well alls well that ends well? I have no answer for this theory.
Third theory. I have not had one intelligent conversation over the past year and my brain is just hibernating from lack of stimulation. I used to have endless conversations about absolutely nothing and now I don't. I think my most interesting conversation lately was someone at work talking about a pump for the male region...really? Yeah who knew! I'm craving those conversations and until I satiate that hunger my writing will just lack.
Fourth. Work made me stupid...enough said.
And finally. drum roll please. I haven't had the immense heartache/dillemas that enabled me to write in the past. Before it seemed I was always around downers and that gave me content. I didn't necessarily write about me just my perspective. Now since I have no friends or at least ones I talk to on a regular basis give or take one or two...I have nothing to replace it with. I could write about my son and how happy he makes me but really could anyone sit through 10 pages of me yapping on about how amazing and cute he is? I guess that wouldn't be writer's block though.
I've had this wicked case for about a year now. I haven't produced a single piece worthy of sharing nor have I even been able to make myself sit and write. WHY!?!?!? I have several ideas but no answers. I want it fixed. Maybe it's because the society we live in makes us want instant gratification...random?? I miss being able to sit, drink coffee, smoke a cigarette and BAM I had an idea. Now I sit and try to write and I can't catch a single idea that is whirling around. I have plenty of ideas but no words to express them. If that makes any sense. Hell I even have titles for things but no freaking content!! So here are my theories...let me know what you think or if you have any way of battling this block.
My first theory is related to motherhood. Maybe since I have become a mom my brain has transformed. It happens...seriously! What if all mom's go through this transition after having a child where they can no longer feel intelligent enough to write. Ok I will debunk this one because seriously there are WAYYY to many successful women writers who have kids...ex/ JK Rowling.
Ok second theory. I have completely lost the one talent I had. Karma is laughing at me for all the times I ripped reporters I work with for being so stupid and not writing well. Or I just lost it and it's gone. So what do I do now? I have an unfinished book and a ton of short stories/poems/rants. Do I just toss them and say oh well alls well that ends well? I have no answer for this theory.
Third theory. I have not had one intelligent conversation over the past year and my brain is just hibernating from lack of stimulation. I used to have endless conversations about absolutely nothing and now I don't. I think my most interesting conversation lately was someone at work talking about a pump for the male region...really? Yeah who knew! I'm craving those conversations and until I satiate that hunger my writing will just lack.
Fourth. Work made me stupid...enough said.
And finally. drum roll please. I haven't had the immense heartache/dillemas that enabled me to write in the past. Before it seemed I was always around downers and that gave me content. I didn't necessarily write about me just my perspective. Now since I have no friends or at least ones I talk to on a regular basis give or take one or two...I have nothing to replace it with. I could write about my son and how happy he makes me but really could anyone sit through 10 pages of me yapping on about how amazing and cute he is? I guess that wouldn't be writer's block though.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
A year
Next Saturday marks one year since my son was born. It's hard to believe that I've been a mom for that long. In fact I feel like I was asleep for the most part of it.
I've changed hundreds, maybe thousands of diapers, I've been thrown up on, and peed on 4 times (after the first few times you learn to change diapers really quick!!) I've been bit, I've been kissed the best kiss ever, and I've wiped endless tears after kissing boo boos.
I've cried just about every time he does something new (except when he learned to throw...not cool!!). He learned to lift his head, smile, laugh, roll, army crawl, crawl, clap, blow raspberries, high five, and say uh oh. He's just now starting to walk. There are just so many things that happen in the first year of their lives that it is amazing. And it is nowhere close to being over. He has a lot more to learn.
I never thought I would be a mom. I knew I wanted a baby but not any time soon...my how mysterious life works. Now I don't remember what life was like without him. He has changed my life in endless ways. I'm stronger, faster, and not very squeemish. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. I hope I live up to his expectations and he grows up to be the coolest, smartest, loving little boy.
Happy Birthday baby!!
I've changed hundreds, maybe thousands of diapers, I've been thrown up on, and peed on 4 times (after the first few times you learn to change diapers really quick!!) I've been bit, I've been kissed the best kiss ever, and I've wiped endless tears after kissing boo boos.
I've cried just about every time he does something new (except when he learned to throw...not cool!!). He learned to lift his head, smile, laugh, roll, army crawl, crawl, clap, blow raspberries, high five, and say uh oh. He's just now starting to walk. There are just so many things that happen in the first year of their lives that it is amazing. And it is nowhere close to being over. He has a lot more to learn.
I never thought I would be a mom. I knew I wanted a baby but not any time soon...my how mysterious life works. Now I don't remember what life was like without him. He has changed my life in endless ways. I'm stronger, faster, and not very squeemish. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. I hope I live up to his expectations and he grows up to be the coolest, smartest, loving little boy.
Happy Birthday baby!!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Jinxed it
So you know those days or weeks where everything is going great and for the first time in a long time you finally have a grip on things. And then out of the blue, for no apparent reason, shit hits the fan. And I don't mean just a few things or a minor bump in the road..I'm talking major shit that shatters your world (ok maybe not shatter but it disrupts the peacefulness you finally found).
Then I went to work only to get bombarded with more crap. I already work 9 hours a day sometimes 10 because I can't get it all done in the 8 alotted hours. Then I get home to find out my mom has empysema and osteoperosis.
So again I am left here to try and figure this all out again. I finally had shit cleared up and had sorted it all out now I'm left sitting on the floor trying to distinguish what is what.
Then I went to work only to get bombarded with more crap. I already work 9 hours a day sometimes 10 because I can't get it all done in the 8 alotted hours. Then I get home to find out my mom has empysema and osteoperosis.
So again I am left here to try and figure this all out again. I finally had shit cleared up and had sorted it all out now I'm left sitting on the floor trying to distinguish what is what.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Double Take
So the other day I was watching a television show with Cooper and it was classical poetry set to cartoons. The illustrations depicted the poem in a very interesting way. They were read by celebrities which also gave an new twist. We dont' watch TV much at all because I think it rots the mind and I don't want my child to be a TV zombie. So when we do watch it is something educational or classic. Anyway, How do I love thee by Elizabeth Barrett Browning came on and was read by Gwyneth Paltrow (one of my favs). It was depicted by a mother bunny and her son.
Well after watching I held the poem in a new way. I never really paid any attention to it because I thought it was cliche. So here is the poem and I will post another blog about my translation of it.
XLIII. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of everyday'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.
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