Alice

I am extremely enveloped in the concept of dreams at the moment...hince two dream posts in one day.

I bought my Halloween costume. I opted for an Alice, granted its not as proper as what Alice wore in Wonderland but nonetheless I will be one of my favorite characters (and as it was pointed out to me I also don't have blonde flowing hair). When I got home I opened up my Alice in Wonderland novel and started reading it for the umpteenth time. I think I learn something new each time I read it.

Alice was an actual person in Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson) life. He was in love with her. In today's time he'd be called a pedophile but back then he was just odd. Anywho, the novel can be read in several different takes. There is the sexual route, the drug route, the growing into adult hood route, or the just plain funky dream route.

Alice Liddell would hang out with Lewis and listen to his fabulous stories with her sisters. The symbolism is amazing.

Anyway in her dream Alice is confused. She makes choices and she often suffers the consequences. Much like we do in our everyday life. But what I'm getting at is how do we differentiate between reality and dream? Alice couldn't. The Mad Hatter and Chesire Cat were real. The most important line in the whole novel is when the caterpillar asks Alice Who are you and even though she responds he keeps asking. Maybe in reality we have a concept of who we are but in dreams we don't really understand who we are.

After reading this blog I realize how little sense it makes. I'm posting it anyway because I can't delete things I write. I can always come back later and flesh it out and give it legs.

Clearly

I often wonder why certain things happen in life. I know that all of this is for the greater plan but i can't help but think "interesting" just about every time something new or bad happens. In a previous blog I wrote about how this is all just a dream, nothing is real. But on the other hand if this is in fact a dream and I am in control of the dream (lucid dreaming), then why do I keep letting bad things happen. BUT then I think well this is a dream and I don't have any control rather some machine does. In the course of my dream this year I've lost 2 very dear friends (not by any tragic means, rather our paths drifted in opposite directions), I've become a mother, and minus how happy my son makes me I'm pretty much as miserable as I was before (unless of course you count this week when I lost my best friend to a girlfriend--long drama filled story).

So then I wonder why do I seem to be a magnet to the drama. One of my friends is a gay magnet or sometimes its the crazies. What do we do to draw the negative energy (being a gay magnet isn't negative I'm referring to the crazies and drama). Maybe it's karma, which after recent events I am a firm believer.

I guess what I'm asking for is if there really is true happiness? I experience a happiness and love with my son but I'm talking about true life happiness. Or are there just some people who get crapped on all the time? Maybe we are the ones who feel the guilt and awfulness because some people never do. OR maybe we are sacrificed for the greater good of mankind? (i like the last option only because then that means all the pain and heartache is for a reason).

With that being said, pessimism is eating at me.