Long Roads

It's been awhile since I have been on here. Oops.

I have recently discovered that I trust people way too much. I open up thinking other's intentions are as honest as mine. I forget what world we live in. It's not the happy go lucky place that I reside in. I've tried to make a valiant effort in trusting no one until given a reason to trust but it's a hard task. It's weird trying to change a way you've been forever. It is also the reason I get screwed so frequently.

My mom sent me an email today (yeah it was one of those chain ones) but it really hit home. It talked about how everyone comes into our lives for a reason...whether they hurt us or not, their impact is meant to happen. It could be to make us stronger, show us a new way of thinking, or to change our course. It's interesting to think that those who have been in my life and tried to destroy it were there because it was supposed to happen that way. I wasn't destroyed, just changed. My path got a little bumpier but it's clearing out.

Then there's the whole forgive and forget concept. I struggle with this. I know how to forgive, Lord knows I've forgiven people who don't deserve it, but I'm not sure I know how to forget. If it's a life changing event then it's hard to forget what a person did. They've altered you and changed the path.

On the other hand, if you do forgive and forget it can't go back to how it used to be. Nothing is ever the same. You can try but its worthless. It will just grow in a different direction. Maybe that's not such a bad thing since there was obviously something wrong the first go round.

So forgive and forget but don't trust anyone until given a reason. Is it at all possible?

Alice

I am extremely enveloped in the concept of dreams at the moment...hince two dream posts in one day.

I bought my Halloween costume. I opted for an Alice, granted its not as proper as what Alice wore in Wonderland but nonetheless I will be one of my favorite characters (and as it was pointed out to me I also don't have blonde flowing hair). When I got home I opened up my Alice in Wonderland novel and started reading it for the umpteenth time. I think I learn something new each time I read it.

Alice was an actual person in Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson) life. He was in love with her. In today's time he'd be called a pedophile but back then he was just odd. Anywho, the novel can be read in several different takes. There is the sexual route, the drug route, the growing into adult hood route, or the just plain funky dream route.

Alice Liddell would hang out with Lewis and listen to his fabulous stories with her sisters. The symbolism is amazing.

Anyway in her dream Alice is confused. She makes choices and she often suffers the consequences. Much like we do in our everyday life. But what I'm getting at is how do we differentiate between reality and dream? Alice couldn't. The Mad Hatter and Chesire Cat were real. The most important line in the whole novel is when the caterpillar asks Alice Who are you and even though she responds he keeps asking. Maybe in reality we have a concept of who we are but in dreams we don't really understand who we are.

After reading this blog I realize how little sense it makes. I'm posting it anyway because I can't delete things I write. I can always come back later and flesh it out and give it legs.

Clearly

I often wonder why certain things happen in life. I know that all of this is for the greater plan but i can't help but think "interesting" just about every time something new or bad happens. In a previous blog I wrote about how this is all just a dream, nothing is real. But on the other hand if this is in fact a dream and I am in control of the dream (lucid dreaming), then why do I keep letting bad things happen. BUT then I think well this is a dream and I don't have any control rather some machine does. In the course of my dream this year I've lost 2 very dear friends (not by any tragic means, rather our paths drifted in opposite directions), I've become a mother, and minus how happy my son makes me I'm pretty much as miserable as I was before (unless of course you count this week when I lost my best friend to a girlfriend--long drama filled story).

So then I wonder why do I seem to be a magnet to the drama. One of my friends is a gay magnet or sometimes its the crazies. What do we do to draw the negative energy (being a gay magnet isn't negative I'm referring to the crazies and drama). Maybe it's karma, which after recent events I am a firm believer.

I guess what I'm asking for is if there really is true happiness? I experience a happiness and love with my son but I'm talking about true life happiness. Or are there just some people who get crapped on all the time? Maybe we are the ones who feel the guilt and awfulness because some people never do. OR maybe we are sacrificed for the greater good of mankind? (i like the last option only because then that means all the pain and heartache is for a reason).

With that being said, pessimism is eating at me.

Empty empty empty

I decided since I have the worst case of writer's block I would write about it. Writing about writer's block...oh the irony.

I've had this wicked case for about a year now. I haven't produced a single piece worthy of sharing nor have I even been able to make myself sit and write. WHY!?!?!? I have several ideas but no answers. I want it fixed. Maybe it's because the society we live in makes us want instant gratification...random?? I miss being able to sit, drink coffee, smoke a cigarette and BAM I had an idea. Now I sit and try to write and I can't catch a single idea that is whirling around. I have plenty of ideas but no words to express them. If that makes any sense. Hell I even have titles for things but no freaking content!! So here are my theories...let me know what you think or if you have any way of battling this block.

My first theory is related to motherhood. Maybe since I have become a mom my brain has transformed. It happens...seriously! What if all mom's go through this transition after having a child where they can no longer feel intelligent enough to write. Ok I will debunk this one because seriously there are WAYYY to many successful women writers who have kids...ex/ JK Rowling.

Ok second theory. I have completely lost the one talent I had. Karma is laughing at me for all the times I ripped reporters I work with for being so stupid and not writing well. Or I just lost it and it's gone. So what do I do now? I have an unfinished book and a ton of short stories/poems/rants. Do I just toss them and say oh well alls well that ends well? I have no answer for this theory.

Third theory. I have not had one intelligent conversation over the past year and my brain is just hibernating from lack of stimulation. I used to have endless conversations about absolutely nothing and now I don't. I think my most interesting conversation lately was someone at work talking about a pump for the male region...really? Yeah who knew! I'm craving those conversations and until I satiate that hunger my writing will just lack.

Fourth. Work made me stupid...enough said.

And finally. drum roll please. I haven't had the immense heartache/dillemas that enabled me to write in the past. Before it seemed I was always around downers and that gave me content. I didn't necessarily write about me just my perspective. Now since I have no friends or at least ones I talk to on a regular basis give or take one or two...I have nothing to replace it with. I could write about my son and how happy he makes me but really could anyone sit through 10 pages of me yapping on about how amazing and cute he is? I guess that wouldn't be writer's block though.

A year

Next Saturday marks one year since my son was born. It's hard to believe that I've been a mom for that long. In fact I feel like I was asleep for the most part of it.



I've changed hundreds, maybe thousands of diapers, I've been thrown up on, and peed on 4 times (after the first few times you learn to change diapers really quick!!) I've been bit, I've been kissed the best kiss ever, and I've wiped endless tears after kissing boo boos.



I've cried just about every time he does something new (except when he learned to throw...not cool!!). He learned to lift his head, smile, laugh, roll, army crawl, crawl, clap, blow raspberries, high five, and say uh oh. He's just now starting to walk. There are just so many things that happen in the first year of their lives that it is amazing. And it is nowhere close to being over. He has a lot more to learn.



I never thought I would be a mom. I knew I wanted a baby but not any time soon...my how mysterious life works. Now I don't remember what life was like without him. He has changed my life in endless ways. I'm stronger, faster, and not very squeemish. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. I hope I live up to his expectations and he grows up to be the coolest, smartest, loving little boy.



Happy Birthday baby!!

Jinxed it

So you know those days or weeks where everything is going great and for the first time in a long time you finally have a grip on things. And then out of the blue, for no apparent reason, shit hits the fan. And I don't mean just a few things or a minor bump in the road..I'm talking major shit that shatters your world (ok maybe not shatter but it disrupts the peacefulness you finally found).

Then I went to work only to get bombarded with more crap. I already work 9 hours a day sometimes 10 because I can't get it all done in the 8 alotted hours. Then I get home to find out my mom has empysema and osteoperosis.

So again I am left here to try and figure this all out again. I finally had shit cleared up and had sorted it all out now I'm left sitting on the floor trying to distinguish what is what.

Double Take

So the other day I was watching a television show with Cooper and it was classical poetry set to cartoons. The illustrations depicted the poem in a very interesting way. They were read by celebrities which also gave an new twist. We dont' watch TV much at all because I think it rots the mind and I don't want my child to be a TV zombie. So when we do watch it is something educational or classic. Anyway, How do I love thee by Elizabeth Barrett Browning came on and was read by Gwyneth Paltrow (one of my favs). It was depicted by a mother bunny and her son.

Well after watching I held the poem in a new way. I never really paid any attention to it because I thought it was cliche. So here is the poem and I will post another blog about my translation of it.

XLIII. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of everyday'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.

I got nothing

I don't have a fancy title for this. Mainly because I'm really not sure how to describe it in a few words or less.

I've been reading alot lately. My latest novels were a series about a vampire and a girl (ok it's not my normal read, but it sounded good and I needed an escape). Well, I got my escape but now I am waiting for my friend to finish reading the third book so I can finish this series. It's weird how it is eating away at my brain.

Then I realized several things that caught me off guard. So much for an easy read. It turns out it made things a little more complicated.

The main character in the book was alot like me. I totally felt her pain in the book. It was kinda strange how I could relate to a fictional character, especially one who is in love with a vampire. I for one have never met a vampire and two I don't know if I would necessarily believe some dude if he told me he was a vampire. Unless of course he could prove it (that's another problem I have for another blog...we as humans must see to believe).

The other part of the book that I loved was my ability to escape. In fact I was so sucked in I lost track of time (unless I was playing with Cooper in that case the book was put up for a few hours).
It was like I was a hidden character in the book. I haven't read a book like that in a long time.

Anyway I just had to express that because it's been driving me freaking nuts.

FOXSexpert: Clothing and the 'Britney Syndrome'

Ok so here is an article from FOXNews.com that I found very interesting and wanted to share...

Oops, they did it again. Major retail outlets are sexualizing young girls.

This past spring, Kmart sold cropped sweatpants flashing the words “True Love Waits” across the derriere. The pants are no longer available in stores or online, but they have reignited the debate on how we’re dressing our children.

Whether they are wearing it or stating it, are we pimping our youth with sexual messaging? And if so, who is to blame?

Parents have long been dealing with the problem most recently tagged the “Britney Syndrome.” While the pop princess and her counterparts Beyoncé, Christina and Jessica have been pegged for corrupting American youth, it seems every decade has an icon who challenges our fashion tastes.

For my generation, it was Madonna. I remember longing to emulate the Material Girl’s netted, cut-off tops, lacy tights, short skirts and rubber bracelets. I begged and pleaded with my mother to let me do so. I could be super cool, and dance just like Madonna, if only I could bare my stomach with a midriff top. But my mum firmly said, “No.” Go figure — I was only 10.

Gone are the days of good sense when it comes to fashion sense for children. For years now, we’ve seen little girls running around in tube tops, miniskirts, thongs, and cropped t-shirts. Our jaws dropped as they donned short shorts with the words “Juicy,” “Yum,” and “Hot” printed across their butts. We nearly had a stroke when Bratz released tiny padded bras and matching lingerie sets for 6-year-olds. We were beyond dumbfounded when “Hooters Girl (In Training)” t-shirts came out for toddlers.

Sure, Kmart’s sweatpants, which are encouraging abstinence, aren’t exactly raunchy clothing. But they’re equally offensive. Whether you agree with the message or not, it’s a bit disturbing that little girls are once again being sexualized. And sadly, plenty of other companies have been doing this for years. When is it going to end?

The marketplace will continue to exploit young people unless we do something about it. The marketplace will continue to turn our youth into sex objects as long as parents are still buying products seeking to do just that.

We can blame the media all we want to. We can blame those making and supplying the clothing. But children’s attire comes down to what parents are purchasing and allowing their youth to wear. Whether it involves stilettos or claims virginity status, parents are enabling their children to wear clothes with sexual overtones.

That's just some of it...it was really long. Read the rest of it here

Fairy Tales and Happy Endings

So as I watched some sappy movie the other night I started really wondering about alot of things. Do we really just want a happy ending or a fairy tale life because that is what has been embedded in us since the beginning of time.

I mean seriously think about it. I want a guy to lay in the grass with and stare up at the stars...but do I want that because I've seen it in a movie or heard it in a song or because I really want that. I then started thinking that maybe we don't know the difference. Maybe I should say I don't know that difference since I can't assume anything for anyone.

I mean wouldn't it be nice if there really was a prince charming to come save me from the hell I've caused myself. Or that silly guy that always knows how to make me laugh when I just want to scream. But again is it because I've seen so many movies that my thoughts are jumbled about what I really want.

I guess what I'm really saying is that so many times there are hardships and trials and tribulations between two people but no one really wants to deal with it. I mean who would if there really is a prince or princess out there for us? So in all actuality I've been sabotaging everything because I'm waiting on some dumb fuck prince?

I gotta get rid of my TV!@

I lost a friend but she's still alive

So this weekend I get a random phone call from someone I haven't talked to in months. I don't answer the phone, I never answer the phone...I'm shitty like that (ok not really I just spend most of my time not talking on the phone). She then texts me and says I'm in the hospital and I just replied I'm sorry to hear that feel better.

I feel like crap about it but after years of a hurtful friendship I had to let go. I can't just keep picking her up everytime she needs help. I only heard from her when she needed something, whether it was a paper to proofread or an ear to listen I was ALWAYS there. Now I can't do it anymore. I got tired of the excess baggage and let go of a lot of them...not just her.

I lost respect for her on her birthday in October this year actually. I made arrangements so that I could have someone watch my one month old so I could have dinner with her. She showed up fucking coked out and looked at me and said "I don't want my son anymore." It was at that point that she made me disgusted. I couldn't imagine being able to just dump your 7 year old on your parents. I would kill someone if they tried to take my son away from me. I just don't get the heartlessness...yes I do she is white trash with money.

I think I grew up and she never did and probably won't anytime soon. She wanted to hang with "cooler" people that go out 24/7 and I don't do that anymore. It is just hard to swallow the fact that I lost a friendship that has endured so much over the MANY years.

My Coma

So I was sitting here staring at my computer screen pretending to work when my brain kicked into full blast.

I started wondering if this is all just a wild and crazy dream I'm living. Like maybe I am in a coma somewhere and this is what my brain conjured up. Or maybe that's what life is...all of us laying in a bed someplace creating our own universes where we all coexist but not really.

It all came about me thinking of how fast life is going. I mean I swear it doesn't seem like I had a kid and it sure as hell doesn't feel like I grew up.

So if we are all in comas or deep, undisturbed sleep, why do we create the realities in which we decide to live in?

Just a thought.

The Details

Is it just me or do other people really pay attention to the details. Not the conversation type details but the details of the life that whirls by. Like how a butterflies wings don't match and one of them is usually ragged like it was in a scuffle. Or how a feather always floats the same way. Or how ants march in a perfectly straight line. Or how a crows feathers look like oil and a bird flapping in the air really doesn't go very straight.

I'm sure there is probably some scientific reasoning but does anyone else really notice. I guess I just wonder because everyday I seem to notice some detail or design or piece of nature that I haven't seen before. It mainly happens when I'm driving so its probably not the best time to drift.

I guess the realization came when I was laying out and a butterfly landed on my toe. He was little but one of his wings was very jagged and torn. It made me wonder what his short life entailed. He chilled there for quite sometime and I just watched and examined the tiny detail on his wings. Then the wind caught him and it was over.