Clearly

I often wonder why certain things happen in life. I know that all of this is for the greater plan but i can't help but think "interesting" just about every time something new or bad happens. In a previous blog I wrote about how this is all just a dream, nothing is real. But on the other hand if this is in fact a dream and I am in control of the dream (lucid dreaming), then why do I keep letting bad things happen. BUT then I think well this is a dream and I don't have any control rather some machine does. In the course of my dream this year I've lost 2 very dear friends (not by any tragic means, rather our paths drifted in opposite directions), I've become a mother, and minus how happy my son makes me I'm pretty much as miserable as I was before (unless of course you count this week when I lost my best friend to a girlfriend--long drama filled story).

So then I wonder why do I seem to be a magnet to the drama. One of my friends is a gay magnet or sometimes its the crazies. What do we do to draw the negative energy (being a gay magnet isn't negative I'm referring to the crazies and drama). Maybe it's karma, which after recent events I am a firm believer.

I guess what I'm asking for is if there really is true happiness? I experience a happiness and love with my son but I'm talking about true life happiness. Or are there just some people who get crapped on all the time? Maybe we are the ones who feel the guilt and awfulness because some people never do. OR maybe we are sacrificed for the greater good of mankind? (i like the last option only because then that means all the pain and heartache is for a reason).

With that being said, pessimism is eating at me.